It has happened.
There I was, in the same grocery store, for the second time in 7 days, there isn't enough money in the account to pay for the groceries.
I am embarrassed. Shocked.
Before last week, this has never happened before. My brain goes through the people I want to blame. The ex who owes $10,000+ in child support. My work for the pay mishap last week. My supervisor who hasn't reimbursed me or paid me for the First Aid course I took. Myself for not checking the account before I left the house.
I look down at my seven year old and try to collect myself. What do I want her to learn from this moment? What do I want her to remember?
I know there is money in my account, possibly only a few dollars less than I need for these groceries. I smile at the cashier and ask her to suspend the order while I run over to the bank and check what, "is going on." I pack the groceries into my bundle buggy neatly and leave it at the end of the aisle while she calls the supervisor over to help her. My daughter asks what is happening. I explain simply, "That we need to go to the bank."
As I walk out of the store I draw on some ancient energy and imagine I am a goddess heading to battle. Half way to the bank I remember the words of the Dalai Lama, "I never imagine myself better than anyone else." I remind myself, I am divine, we all are. I am human and deserving of dignity, WE ALL ARE.
Indeed, when I check my balance, I am a mere $6 short. I return to the store and remove two items from my cart. I pay and leave. The whole thing is relatively drama free. My daughter seems relaxed and unaffected, unlike the week before, her prized pomegranate conditioner did not get put back, her world is safe. But inside I am reeling. When I return to work, a friend has bought me a coffee. I am reminded that I am cared for. I feel lucky.
Yet, I notice as the evening progresses, I am off my game. I am less mentally organized at work. I am less productive, less able to communicate clearly. My boundaries are down. That night, bed time happens an hour later that usual for the kids.
Once I have a blessed moment of peace at the end of the day, it hits me: these things are connected. The feelings I had standing at that grocery store are not just about my financial situation. The feelings and beliefs I had in that moment bleed into my life, they are part of what Suze Orman would call my financial story.
So, I took time to write a journal entry in three parts. I started with my feelings, trying to figure out the beliefs that feed them. Then I challenged those underlying beliefs.
I felt unworthy. Why? Because this culture connects financial well being to personal value.
"The poor are lazy, the rich work hard for their money." On days when I couldn't work any harder, yet come up short, it feels like I don't deserve to do better.
I felt embarrassed. I am supposed to always be on top of these things, because I am a parent and an adult.
I felt cheated. I imagined my ex and the three international vacations he has taken in the past year, a time where he has not paid a penny in support. I thought of my father, who left my mother in this situation time and time again. Why do they get a break from being 'on top' of these things?
I felt (and still feel) angry.The societal bias toward people with money and the lack of support from my ex feels like a personal attack.
Time to challenge the beliefs that feed these feelings:
George Monboit is quoted as saying, "If wealth was the inevitable result of hard work and enterprise, every woman in Africa would be a millionaire." Let's face it, he's right. Not all rich people worked for their money and most people who work hard do not get rich. Yes, hard work is part of making our lives better, but it doesn't solve every problem, certainly not in the imperfect world we live in.
Now, the matter of my ex and unpaid child support. Is it about me? How do I feel when I believe he i spersonally out to get me. YUCK! Does believing that help me in any way? Is it going to help my kids? The short answer is no. It took a long time for me to get to that answer. (See www.thework.com if you want to see how I came to that answer.) But, simply stated, his choices to withhold support, is about him.
I still feel angry, but not punished.
In the end, I challenged myself to write a list of just 3 things I am proud of about my behaviour in the face of financial adversity. List writing is an idea that my dear friend and fellow single mother has shared with me.
My list grew to 7.
1. my children and I always have healthy food.
2. my bills are paid and on time (mostly)
3. I continue to try to behave with integrity.
4. I am aware of my integrity as a human being despite not having material wealth.
5. I was able to remember that all people have integral worth even during this moment of discomfort.
6. Even with little material wealth to share, I am able to give to others in different ways.
7. I am aware of my creative energy and its value.
I have tools, I can build on them. You do too. Let me know if you try this after a yucky day. It doesn't have to be about money, as long as you look at the feelings, connect them to beliefs and then challenge the beliefs. Give yourself some empathy and love too. The coffee from my friend did world's of good for me and she didn't even know I was having a crappy day.
If you write a similar list, share it. It can be as simple as "I rolled pennies to by milk and bread today".
Knowing ourselves is a key step to building financial health.
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