I am sorry, your card is declined

It has happened.

There I was, in the same grocery store, for the second time in 7 days, there isn't enough money in the account to pay for the groceries.

I am embarrassed. Shocked.

Before last week, this has never happened before. My brain goes through the people I want to blame. The ex who owes $10,000+ in child support. My work for the pay mishap last week. My supervisor who hasn't reimbursed me or paid me for the First Aid course I took. Myself for not checking the account before I left the house.

I look down at my seven year old and try to collect myself. What do I want her to learn from this moment? What do I want her to remember?

I know there is money in my account, possibly only a few dollars less than I need for these groceries. I smile at the cashier and ask her to suspend the order while I run over to the bank and check what, "is going on." I pack the groceries into my bundle buggy neatly and leave it at the end of the aisle while she calls the supervisor over to help her. My daughter asks what is happening. I explain simply, "That we need to go to the bank."

As I walk out of the store I draw on some ancient energy and imagine I am a goddess heading to battle. Half way to the bank I remember the words of the Dalai Lama, "I never imagine myself better than anyone else." I remind myself, I am divine, we all are. I am human and deserving of dignity, WE ALL ARE.

Indeed, when I check my balance, I am a mere $6 short. I return to the store and remove two items from my cart. I pay and leave. The whole thing is relatively drama free. My daughter seems relaxed and unaffected, unlike the week before, her prized pomegranate conditioner did not get put back, her world is safe. But inside I am reeling. When I return to work, a friend has bought me a coffee. I am reminded that I am cared for. I feel lucky.

Yet, I notice as the evening progresses, I am off my game. I am less mentally organized at work. I am less productive, less able to communicate clearly. My boundaries are down. That night, bed time happens an hour later that usual for the kids.

Once I have a blessed moment of peace at the end of the day, it hits me: these things are connected. The feelings I had standing at that grocery store are not just about my financial situation. The feelings and beliefs I had in that moment bleed into my life, they are part of what Suze Orman would call my financial story.

So, I took time to write a journal entry in three parts. I started with my feelings, trying to figure out the beliefs that feed them. Then I challenged those underlying beliefs.

I felt unworthy. Why? Because this culture connects financial well being to personal value.
"The poor are lazy, the rich work hard for their money." On days when I couldn't work any harder, yet come up short, it feels like I don't deserve to do better.

I felt embarrassed. I am supposed to always be on top of these things, because I am a parent and an adult.

I felt cheated. I imagined my ex and the three international vacations he has taken in the past year, a time where he has not paid a penny in support. I thought of my father, who left my mother in this situation time and time again. Why do they get a break from being 'on top' of these things?

I felt (and still feel) angry.The societal bias toward people with money and the lack of support from my ex feels like a personal attack.

Time to challenge the beliefs that feed these feelings:

George Monboit is quoted as saying, "If wealth was the inevitable result of hard work and enterprise, every woman in Africa would be a millionaire." Let's face it, he's right. Not all rich people worked for their money and most people who work hard do not get rich. Yes, hard work is part of making our lives better, but it doesn't solve every problem, certainly not in the imperfect world we live in.

Now, the matter of my ex and unpaid child support. Is it about me? How do I feel when I believe he i spersonally out to get me. YUCK! Does believing that help me in any way? Is it going to help my kids? The short answer is no. It took a long time for me to get to that answer. (See www.thework.com if you want to see how I came to that answer.) But, simply stated, his choices to withhold support, is about him.

I still feel angry, but not punished.

In the end, I challenged myself to write a list of just 3 things I am proud of about my behaviour in the face of financial adversity. List writing is an idea that my dear friend and fellow single mother has shared with me.

My list grew to 7.

1. my children and I always have healthy food.
2. my bills are paid and on time (mostly)
3. I continue to try to behave with integrity.
4. I am aware of my integrity as a human being despite not having material wealth.
5. I was able to remember that all people have integral worth even during this moment of discomfort.
6. Even with little material wealth to share, I am able to give to others in different ways.
7. I am aware of my creative energy and its value.

I have tools, I can build on them. You do too. Let me know if you try this after a yucky day. It doesn't have to be about money, as long as you look at the feelings, connect them to beliefs and then challenge the beliefs. Give yourself some empathy and love too. The coffee from my friend did world's of good for me and she didn't even know I was having a crappy day.

If you write a similar list, share it. It can be as simple as "I rolled pennies to by milk and bread today".

Knowing ourselves is a key step to building financial health.

...and suddenly you are single with kids.

This blog is for every parent, but focuses on my experience of being single with two beautiful children.

I am a full time, single mother of two, and have been for the past 6 years. I have a low paying, seasonal job with no benefits and my own business. I am fortunate in that I have managed to buy my house from my ex and that I am surrounded by a positive community of single parents. I am lucky in many ways and I will discuss and share them through the coming months.

I have also faced being balanced on the edge of security, barely making mortgage payments, living in my bank overdraft for over a year, underemployed without child support for months, or years on end. These challenges have given me much to think about. In overcoming some of them I realized I have things to share with other people in the same position. I am in a process of becoming financially secure, and I am starting from a precarious place. If you are in the same place, lets find security together. Pooling our resources, supporting one another, I think great things can happen.

I began writing this blog, because I didn't see my experience reflected on the financial websites and blogs I researched and followed. Often, I read suggestions redirect money spent on lunch outings or morning lattes to debt. I couldn't afford lunch out, I wasn't stopping at Starbucks each day. Yet, these were the tips offered for saving money.

Resources are often gained in exchange for time. When you are parenting on your own, time is a limited resource. I want to thrive, I want to teach my children healthy financial values, and want savings for my retirement and their future schooling. I wanted to take vacations.

I also want distance from the strain of waiting for my ex to ante up child support. It is clear to me that the emotional energy I spend waiting for him to take financial responsibility for his children is draining me of energy. I need that energy to make my life better. I am not saying I stopped seeking payment, I am saying I work every day to figure out how to empower myself, whether or not he steps up.

So here you are, single, with kid(s). Whether you are gainfully employed, own your own business, or have been focusing on raising your children, your life just changed. In most cases, this change is a huge financial adjustment.